Most people ask the question some point in their live why am I here? What is my purpose? We all have this perception of what we should be , a doctor a nurse. Then we realized we don’t like blood or you realized that it to expensive. So you just get a job because you have to eat. Some people just give up and start using other people. The people who decide to go for what they feel is right normally have the best success. They have learned how to make what they love into money. Everybody has something that they do all the time and they are very good at it. It is the thoughts of others that cause people to stop their passion. They will say I would not do that. Well they are right because it’s not for them it is for you. I am a person that just loves to do whatever I like to do. I can dovalmost anything. If I see it done I can recreate it. My M.S. has cause a ba0rrier a0t times but it like many other things takes a back seat. I feel like if I push I can do it. Self talk is key. The doctor told me in 2013 that in 2 years I would be in a wheel chair. I told the doctor I don’t think so. It is 2021 I’m not in a wheel chair. I’m stronger than ever. I did 10vflight of stairs, I could not do stairs because my legs couldn’t do the upstairs thing. But I can and did. So I got this thing in my spirit that I need to buy land a get a horse and other animals. So that’s the mission. Its crazy because that’s all I see now, land for sale and people offering animals to me. The universe is providing. So new ride here we go!
I read a story about a solar flare destroying the internet. So I thought about the great Facebook outage. People act like their lives were over. The article basically said that when the flare happens the internet will be out for months. So what happens, do humans stop being zombies and think for themselves or do they start living again. Who knows? The second thought was that people believe in anything. Are these flares real? Why do people believe the world is fixed in thin air and is spinning on an axis. Oh that’s right you can look and see planets in the sky. But you can’t look at earth. No one has been outside of the protected atmosphere. Space is anything that is above the earth and that is not space. The last thing is the fact that Google just put internet connections in the ocean to make the net reach more people. The Bible says when everybody has heard a word. So I guess like the article the solar flares creates the problem and it gets solved by the lines in the ocean and the cycle continues. People are dying from covid, sons killing mom, parents killing kids. This world is crazy. All is not lost there is still hope.
Life is all about knowing where you belong. I feel like I have always been where I don’t belong. I know how to be a mother, sister, and even a wife. What I never knew how to be was just me. I do not think I ever was just able to be just me. I have never been normal but always everybody’s super hero. I do this thing where I get stuck in time because I didn’t get what I wanted while still in motion. I am slowing waking up. I think I needed to grieve my great love to move on. Instead I hung on to it. I imagined what could be, then I let go only to find my way back to it. Then one day I said this isn’t life, it’s never going to be. I still was going through life. My business is doing well. My older set of kids are doing well, my second set is thriving. No need to be sad. But there is something about putting yourself in a prison of thought that will keep you from being what you need to be. So I begin to fake it, well I made it. I’m not sad anymore. I feel renewed. I feel like I can actually be amongst people again, without fear of empty attachment. To much to be thankful for to be in a bad spot. I feel healed!
It’s been a minute but here I am. I have a short story to tale.
I spoke of the brown eyed people. They were from my visions and dreams. So there was another dream I would have once a year. There were families locked in small apartments. You could not see outside, but you wait for the soldiers to knock on your door. If they knocked on your door it meant your ticket had been picked. You then were taken to a loading dock that looked like a spaceship or the back of tracker trailer. You get in than a count down started. When it reached its in the room you enter lifted. The people that were loaded thought they were going to space. Only they die from the pressure when they get to the top. I’m 40 years old now and I have not had that dream since I was in my late twenties. Now we are seeing people die from something we can’t see. We see people fight for the right not to wear a mask. We are seeing people fight for the right to do as they want. We have been conditioned to think that if someone tells us we need it to fight against it. Unless it becomes popular or it is seen on the internet. It is crazy that everything I’ve seen is coming to light. I hope that people wake up before we become prisoners of our own device. We can not exist unless we work together otherwise we expire.
Love, depression, happiness, maybe even mantic. Who knows? Learning how to live on a small scale. Every weekend is an adventure. Pick two places on the map through a coin and head out in the morning. There are so many springs and state parks to see and explore. We have been to 20 so far. I can’t wait to discover something new every weekend. I always thought I would have a life partner that enjoyed the same things that I do but thats only in fairtales. So Most adventures are alone. It’s cool. I enjoy the silence on most days and the occasion of loud noise from the kids. Life has a funny way of giving you what you need and not what you ask for. Life is good. My first set of kids are doing great and the second set are on there way. Life is progressing.
Im a M.S. warrior. I have been winning the battle for 9 years now. So here comes Covid 19. The question is do you take a vaccine with no immune system or do you say no and keep it moving. Doctor says you should not take it if you have had an episode in the last 3 months. So, well theres that. There will not be any vaccine going in this body. I survived a car rollover, car explosion, even death after birth. This cant be what ends me. So the fight continues. Not ready togo.
So emotions are high. Im between a hard place and a rock. I have managed toget two kids out the door and they are doing well. I have another leaving soon. It is an awesome feeling. I really can not complain. But there is a problem. I thought that at this point in life I would be at the point where I could start to relax but life has a way of saying no way.
Last post was about my disdain for my husband. Really none of that would matter if I didn’t have two kids with him. My old self says pack up shop and run. But of course that is what I have always done. No plan just move and guess the next move. The only difference between this time and last time is. I know who I am now. I’m not a superhero, not trying to be everything. I’m me, simple and I like simple stuff. I like going on adventures and seeking out the unknown. I would love a journey partner. I’m sure there is someone out there. I’m just not willing to look. Sick of starting over and even more so I’m tried of having to carry the load. I want to have someone say I got this. Just relax. I want someone to think that I’m everything and not have to prove that point. I don’t need cash, cars, money, or any tangible thing. I need a match.
Multiple sclerosis has me so scrambled right now. Nobody understands and I don’t think anybody cares to understand. One step infront of the next. One thought at a time. Im a warrior, was not taught to seat and wait. I wish I was softer. I wish I could be dainty. But thats is not who I am. I love me just the way I am. There are things that could be better but after all who is perfect. Life for me has been hard. I wish it were different. Its not so I push on. Depression gets bad sometimes. So bad I cry for nothing. I think this is a major issue but I’m dealing.
Solution. Im exercising more. I got a new bike. I think I will put some miles on it. Life is just that life. I know that I’m not going back to how I use to be but my feet will not move forward so im standing here. Not sure of the next move. I do know I will not be running this time. One foot infront of the other.
I have been married for 10 years and I think I hate my husband. Im not trying anymore. I did nothing to him. He is always mean. For everything I do he finds something wrong. I refuse to do something wrong because he is this way. I’m done. There will be no more. I will just be alone. Love is for the birds. This sucks. I tried.
I’m currently in Columbia South Carolina. On a college tour with the baby from the first bunch of kids. It is an awesome school. The coach is great and wants to help develop Kourtney. Little does he know she is a beast. I thought I would be crying and bothered today. Instead it was so peaceful and calm. I had such a ruff time with the first three kids. I thank the lord everyday that I’m able to send them all to continue there greatness. TWO MORE TO GO!
I am a sex addict and I have M.S. ok so what? Well M.S can cause depression and well orgasms relieve that. It is a never ending circle. I feel ok and then it happens. I’ll notice im crying on commercials, movies and etc. Its so ridiculous. I just can not deal because the world is just so sad. I do not take medicine because it makes it worst. Bike riding and having an orgasm solves the problem. I was doing good and than that self pity and doubt started to creep. So what do I do? Going back to not being productive is not an option.
Let’s go on an adventure. Myself and the girls went on a quest to find fairies at Bok Garden’s. It was so peaceful. There are flowers, wild life, insects, and fish. The tower plays music its really awesome. It even has a sundial that is accurate. The best part was in fairyland. Of course the fairies are not real, but when you have a six and three year old, you can spark there imagination. It was super awesome. We had a great time.
My M.S has me not eating lately and feeling sad. I did not eat much today. I did not over heat. I had more energy today. I felt really good. For me it is mind of matter. One foot in front of the other. Im peaceful!