I started the new job. It requires you todo a class before you can go on schedule. I wanted to be near the front because my mission was to be noticed so I could get promoted. I did get noticed and my journey begin.
The first day of the class I sat in the front. I looked up and across from me was this lady. She had hazel eyes. Fear set in. She looked at me and our eyes stopped as if they were locked. She smiled and she had the deepest dimples. She never said a word and neither did I. The next day the same thing happened. Now im feeling butterflies. I’m confused. I’m getting married in 60 days. I cant get her out of my mind. The first spoken word came at the time machine. We were clocking out. She walked over and asked a question I knew she knew the answer to. Her voice was like a thousand violins playing. She says with an accent. Here’s my number give me a call. I take the number. When she leaves I dropped it on the floor. The next day we had to practice take downs. She made sure that I was taking her down. When it was time I grabbed her and lightly placed her on the floor I didnt want to hurt her. Again this is confusing because, I do not know why I feel the way I do. As I grabbed her and pulled her close she said you feel the way you look strong. I think I fail hard that day. She was so smart and she made me feel good. I wanted to spend every moment with her. I didnt think of her as a girlfriend like we are a couple. She stimulated me and that was something I never felt before.
While I was swooning with her. He was developing a relationship with another women. I didnt care. I had found what I thought was just a friend. He started bringing the lady to my house and having her around my kids. I didnt care we were done. I was telling her about what was happening. It made us closer. In this situation he was wrong but so was I. She asked me to hang out. I agreed. So we went to a bar. On the way back to her place. She started rubbing my leg. I thought what are you doing. She showed those dipples and I melted. She took me to her place and well each touch felt like, something I never felt. The orgasm was so strong, I fell asleep. This is important because I was suppose to be home by now. I didnt have time to shower and I smelt like sex. He looked at me like I was the worst person on earth. He was right. I had stepped out. I was unfaithful. I had dirt on my hands. See that’s not the worst part. Now I had completely forgot about his wrong doing because I was now the one who was wrong.
I walked in the house with my head down. I had thought about what I was going to say. What lie I could tell. When he looked at me. He walked straight to me and said I missed you, are you safe. I was relieved he didnt ask any questions. He said I know why you did this. I said did what. He said cheated on me. It’s because I cheated on you. Then he said I’m pissed, because I ruined you. He said you were the only pure thing he knew. I’m looking at him like, did you just admit it. Then the fight begin. He said you are the worst ever. I said I was doing it to save us. I lied. I had an out but I didnt take it. Instead I did the worst thing I could have done. Bad decision. I told him I had to try it to see if I could do a threesome with him. Of course he fell for it.
Later that day I called her. She had been calling all day. I had to be attentive to him. I had hurt him. I called and I told her what happened. She asked why I told him that we were going to have a threesome. I told her I lied. She said she would do it, if it would put things back the way they were. Another Bad decision. I told him we were doing it. She came to the house that weekend. She walked through the door looking like a school girl. My soul was screaming, leave now. I was to much of a coward to tell them that I had changed my mind. He looked at me and I’m sure he could see that I did not want him to touch her. It made him want to do it even more. I laid her down and we begin. I’m touching her and he is touching me. He is loving every moment. I’m hating every moment. At last I couldn’t do it anymore. I removed myself. He got really aggressive with her. She reached for me and I held her hand. I was such a coward. I dont know how I could have asked her to do this. She was everything, she made me feel whole. I ruined our friendship in two nights.
He is asking when we will do it again. I secretly want to kill him. I say probably never. He ask could he pick the girl this time. I said
I would think about it. Problem is I’m not attracted to women. I never see myself doing this again. I want to tell him that even though she is a women, I am in love with her and I could never see myself with him after this. Or for that fact with anybody but her. I’m not sure even to this day what happened to me, but she took my whole heart. I would do anything for her.
Months passed. He kept asking about her. I would say, I havent seen her. The truth is I was with her every day. So I finally told him. I was leaving him. I needed to leave him and she needed a new start. We decided to move in together. Every piece of me knew this was a bad decision but I did it. We were good for awhile. He became to much. He cut tires, got me fired, stole my stuff. Kidnapped the kids. She could not handle it anymore. At least that is what I told myself. She needed her citizenship and we got it. I foolishly asked her to marry me. She agreed. But she was looking for something else.
She came home one day and accused me of cheating. I asked who I would cheat with. In hindsight I know she was the one cheating. She started fights and than she would leave and come back home late. I laughed because that’s what I use to do. She took off the lock and chain I bought her. I knew it was done. I couldn’t even be mad. Even though I had hurt him and he had hurt me. Karma had come to collect. I owed a large debt. I was prepared to pay it. The hazel eye people had finally caught me.
The most insane part is I knew all along I just went along with it because it gave me something I never had. I knew I had to let her go. She wasnt gay and neither was I. She was what I was missing and I was the same for her. I thank her for coming into my life. She gave me the courage to finally walk away from a bad relationship, even if it was the wrong way. She taught me how to eat a proper diet. She taught me about self care. She taught me that I was more than just a mom. I long for the conversations we use to have. When I say that I’m missing something it is what she brought to my life. I would love to still have her friendship. That is something that could never happen because once that forbidden line was crossed, you can never return.
I was doing really good had not talked or heard from her in 7 years. She reached out and everything I felt returned. I told her I am married now. She asked did I love him. I told her I do love him. I have learned to love him. It is not what I felt for her but it is what I need. The love I felt for her was deep and unexpected. It was that first sight, I didnt need sex, love. She said she never loved me. She said it was all a game. It really mess me up! I guess more so because I know she felt the same way. Although being a lesbian is accepted now. Her family would not understand. My family would not understand. Plus there is that thing about neither of us being attached to women. I cant explain it.
When I met my husband, I was still sad about losing her. He reminded me what it was to be a women. He loved me even though I had been a cheater. He loved my kids. He didnt ask me to be what I was not.
I was diagnosed with M.S. in 2013. I told him. He said I still want to marry you. I said I may get crazy. I may get really sick. He said I’m here. I love you and I’m going to be here till the end. I married him in 2013. It’s now 2020. I’m praying and meditating because we have a strong relationship. I dont want to lose him for something that was never real. I work on me daily. This was my attempt to confess out loud. This has been my alter.
She use to tell me to stop being the victim. She was right. I’m not the victim. They were my victims. I’m owning my wrongs. I’m asking for forgiveness and if it is not offered to me. I’m ok with that. Healing me!