Love, depression, happiness, maybe even mantic. Who knows? Learning how to live on a small scale. Every weekend is an adventure. Pick two places on the map through a coin and head out in the morning. There are so many springs and state parks to see and explore. We have been to 20 so far. I can’t wait to discover something new every weekend. I always thought I would have a life partner that enjoyed the same things that I do but thats only in fairtales. So Most adventures are alone. It’s cool. I enjoy the silence on most days and the occasion of loud noise from the kids. Life has a funny way of giving you what you need and not what you ask for. Life is good. My first set of kids are doing great and the second set are on there way. Life is progressing.
Covid 19
Im a M.S. warrior. I have been winning the battle for 9 years now. So here comes Covid 19. The question is do you take a vaccine with no immune system or do you say no and keep it moving. Doctor says you should not take it if you have had an episode in the last 3 months. So, well theres that. There will not be any vaccine going in this body. I survived a car rollover, car explosion, even death after birth. This cant be what ends me. So the fight continues. Not ready togo.
Blurred lines
So emotions are high. Im between a hard place and a rock. I have managed toget two kids out the door and they are doing well. I have another leaving soon. It is an awesome feeling. I really can not complain. But there is a problem. I thought that at this point in life I would be at the point where I could start to relax but life has a way of saying no way.
Last post was about my disdain for my husband. Really none of that would matter if I didn’t have two kids with him. My old self says pack up shop and run. But of course that is what I have always done. No plan just move and guess the next move. The only difference between this time and last time is. I know who I am now. I’m not a superhero, not trying to be everything. I’m me, simple and I like simple stuff. I like going on adventures and seeking out the unknown. I would love a journey partner. I’m sure there is someone out there. I’m just not willing to look. Sick of starting over and even more so I’m tried of having to carry the load. I want to have someone say I got this. Just relax. I want someone to think that I’m everything and not have to prove that point. I don’t need cash, cars, money, or any tangible thing. I need a match.
Multiple sclerosis has me so scrambled right now. Nobody understands and I don’t think anybody cares to understand. One step infront of the next. One thought at a time. Im a warrior, was not taught to seat and wait. I wish I was softer. I wish I could be dainty. But thats is not who I am. I love me just the way I am. There are things that could be better but after all who is perfect. Life for me has been hard. I wish it were different. Its not so I push on. Depression gets bad sometimes. So bad I cry for nothing. I think this is a major issue but I’m dealing.
Solution. Im exercising more. I got a new bike. I think I will put some miles on it. Life is just that life. I know that I’m not going back to how I use to be but my feet will not move forward so im standing here. Not sure of the next move. I do know I will not be running this time. One foot infront of the other.
Hate
I have been married for 10 years and I think I hate my husband. Im not trying anymore. I did nothing to him. He is always mean. For everything I do he finds something wrong. I refuse to do something wrong because he is this way. I’m done. There will be no more. I will just be alone. Love is for the birds. This sucks. I tried.
Kourtney Nicole
I’m currently in Columbia South Carolina. On a college tour with the baby from the first bunch of kids. It is an awesome school. The coach is great and wants to help develop Kourtney. Little does he know she is a beast. I thought I would be crying and bothered today. Instead it was so peaceful and calm. I had such a ruff time with the first three kids. I thank the lord everyday that I’m able to send them all to continue there greatness. TWO MORE TO GO!
Peaceful
I am a sex addict and I have M.S. ok so what? Well M.S can cause depression and well orgasms relieve that. It is a never ending circle. I feel ok and then it happens. I’ll notice im crying on commercials, movies and etc. Its so ridiculous. I just can not deal because the world is just so sad. I do not take medicine because it makes it worst. Bike riding and having an orgasm solves the problem. I was doing good and than that self pity and doubt started to creep. So what do I do? Going back to not being productive is not an option.
Let’s go on an adventure. Myself and the girls went on a quest to find fairies at Bok Garden’s. It was so peaceful. There are flowers, wild life, insects, and fish. The tower plays music its really awesome. It even has a sundial that is accurate. The best part was in fairyland. Of course the fairies are not real, but when you have a six and three year old, you can spark there imagination. It was super awesome. We had a great time.
My M.S has me not eating lately and feeling sad. I did not eat much today. I did not over heat. I had more energy today. I felt really good. For me it is mind of matter. One foot in front of the other. Im peaceful!
Content
Two sons are now gone from my nest. I always thought it would turn me into a cat lady. Instead it is making me reinvent myself. I do not think hard about anything anymore. If I think it I do. Life with three girls left in the house is going to be a wild ride im ready!
Trip to college
So I drove by myself to California and back. The purpose of the drive was to take my son, my second born to college! We all were so excited. This drive would last a week and two days!
We started out on Sunday morning. We drove 16 hours Glen Rose, Tx. My youngest daughter loves dinosaurs so it was the perfect stop. It is also called dinosaur vally. We saw dinosaur tracks in the river. My son skipped rocks and throw large boulders. We filled a trail until we reached 700 feet elevation. We could see the whole town. It smelt so fresh. We could see all the vallies and plains. Next stop was the Big Rock park. It was also awesome. The rocks are so big. The kids jumped from rock to rock. It was interesting to find the river dry. Of course we walked it for awhile than my daughter fell in it. Still great. Oh and than we went to a make shift beach. The kids loved it, I was not a fan. Everyone knows I’m a foodie and it was great bbq and the peach cobbler was very tasty.
Next stop after another 16 hours led to the Grand Canyon North end. On the way up the mountain we found a place called raptor place. You guessed it more Dinosaurs. We went inside and it was a tribute to the Flintstones. I was over the moon. All of the houses and cars were made of rock. It was great. We continued on to the Grand Canyon. I was not expecting it to be so great. When I got my first glimpse, I had to stop and admire the glory. It was so beautiful. We were there along time. Its hard to leave, it throws you into a space that makes you humble and you don’t want to leave. We headed back to the city. There my 2nd youngest child joined the action of the afternoon Western Play. She was really into it. We had some great food.
Next stop Lost Angles/Hollywood it was the worst place ever. There are so many homeless people. The walk of stars are covered with feces and urine. I was so disappointed. The food at Rosco’s chicken and waffles was tasty.
Now its time to deliver the boy! We arrive and California Baptist is everything! They were welcoming to our family. The room was nice and his roommates are very nice also. I cried I didn’t want to leave him. I do believe that every child must learn to fly by leaving there parents. They can return later. My suite case was stolen and I had no clothes. This caused us to eat at Kountry Folks. It was really good food.
Next stop was Whitesands, New Mexico. This city was so clean. The sand or gymsum was pure white. The girls slide down the sides. It was great. We woke up to the hurricanes are coming.
In short marco and laura caused me to drive 20 hours toget out of the way of these storms. I had a perfect trip. Now back to reality.
A star is born!
Today marks the day my second sin would have graduated. Instead he had a car ride through. I think the teachers for coming out, but it is not the same, not seeing him walk across the stage. No worries. He has beat the odds. He comes from a broken family. His father burned him when he was 9. He never really got over that. He pushed and pushed on. He made it through all the challenges he should have never had to face. He even stepped up to the plate when I was diagnosed with M.S.. He was there when I lost site, could not walk, all the emotional up and downs. Inspite of, my son has become or is becoming the man he needs to be. I’m proud to know that he is a certified welder. He is going on to California Baptist College to become a pilot. Im am forever grateful.
By chance!
There was once a time that I did not know about a sunset. Night just turned to night. I was struck by cupid. Fell in love at first site. I was introduced to the beautiful sunset. We sat on a beach and watched it set. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Every since I had that experience I think of my love when the sunsets.
It is said that when your born. You will meet your life partner and not even know it. Who knows if that’s true. All I know is that when you do find the other half of your heart. You know it instantly. What they don’t tell you is that, no matter how hard you try or how patient you are, love can only happen on a two way street. I shed a tear on that one. I am happy to have had a taste of this kind of love. I wish I could have had more.
God knows what you need. He places it in front of you and expects you to grab it as needed. The thing that humans do not do is grab it and hold on to it. I let mine go because I was to afraid to fight harder for what I wanted. What you want is not always what you need.When you have been beat down. You can rise again and become better.
If I had press rewind and it was 10 years ago, I would say its not possible. I got out of my car. I walked towards the store. My heart started to beat face. I can’t breath. Why is the question. In the flesh is the love that makes me weak. I quickly turn to run away. The same moment I say, why not. I go into the store anyway. We are now face to face. I can’t move, but than I do. My love turns, looks and walks away. It’s at this moment that reality sets in. It is not 10 years ago. My love is just that my love. It never really was. I did feel like a child getting a new puppy. But it was all for not. Unless this was a mistake and not my love at all. It doesn’t matter. God puts what you need infront of you when you need it. I needed my love ten years ago to regain myself,to spark my creative side. Today I needed it to remember not to go back to self loafing. Never have I been so wrapped up in someone that every moment involved trying to make them happy. Today every moment is trying to keep me happy!
Thank God for sunets!
