Peaceful

I am a sex addict and I have M.S. ok so what? Well M.S can cause depression and well orgasms relieve that. It is a never ending circle. I feel ok and then it happens. I’ll notice im crying on commercials, movies and etc. Its so ridiculous. I just can not deal because the world is just so sad. I do not take medicine because it makes it worst. Bike riding and having an orgasm solves the problem. I was doing good and than that self pity and doubt started to creep. So what do I  do? Going back to not being productive is not an option.

Let’s go on an adventure. Myself and the girls went on a quest to find fairies at Bok Garden’s. It was so peaceful. There are flowers, wild life, insects, and fish. The tower plays music its really awesome. It even has a sundial that is accurate. The best part was in fairyland. Of course the fairies are not real, but when you have a six and three year old, you can spark there imagination. It was super awesome. We had a great time.

My M.S has me not eating lately and feeling sad. I did not eat much today. I did not over heat. I had more energy today. I felt really good. For me it is mind of matter. One foot in front of the other. Im peaceful!

Bok Garden’s!

Content

Two sons are now gone from my nest. I always thought it would turn me into a cat lady. Instead it is making me reinvent myself. I do not think hard about anything anymore. If I think it I do. Life with three girls left in the house is going to be a wild ride im ready!

Living

Trip to college

So I drove by myself to California and back. The purpose of the drive was to take my son, my second born to college! We all were so excited. This drive would last a week and two days!

We started out on Sunday morning. We drove 16 hours Glen Rose, Tx. My youngest daughter loves dinosaurs so it was the perfect stop. It is also called dinosaur vally. We saw dinosaur tracks in the river. My son skipped rocks and throw large boulders. We filled a trail until we reached 700 feet elevation. We could see the whole town. It smelt so fresh. We could see all the vallies and plains. Next stop was the Big Rock park. It was also awesome. The rocks are so big. The kids jumped from rock to rock. It was interesting to find the river dry. Of course we walked it for awhile than my daughter fell in it. Still great. Oh and than we went to a make shift beach. The kids loved it, I was not a fan. Everyone knows I’m a foodie and it was great bbq and the peach cobbler was very tasty.

Next stop after another 16 hours led to the Grand Canyon North end. On the way up the mountain we found a place called raptor place. You guessed it more Dinosaurs. We went inside and it was a tribute to the Flintstones. I was over the moon. All of the houses and cars were made of rock. It was great. We continued on to the Grand Canyon. I was not expecting it to be so great. When I got my first glimpse, I had to stop and admire the glory. It was so beautiful. We were there along time. Its hard to leave, it throws you into a space that makes you humble and you don’t want to leave. We headed back to the city. There my 2nd youngest child joined the action of the afternoon Western Play. She was really into it. We had some great food.

Next stop Lost Angles/Hollywood it was the worst place ever. There are so many homeless people. The walk of stars are covered with feces and urine. I was so disappointed. The food at Rosco’s chicken and waffles was tasty.

Now its time to deliver the boy! We arrive and California Baptist is everything! They were welcoming to our family. The room was nice and his roommates are very nice also. I cried I didn’t want to leave him. I do believe that every child must learn to fly by leaving there parents. They can return later. My suite case was stolen and I had no clothes. This caused us to eat at Kountry Folks. It was really good food.

Next stop was Whitesands, New Mexico. This city was so clean. The sand or gymsum was pure white. The girls slide down the sides. It was great. We woke up to the hurricanes are coming.

In short marco and laura caused me to drive 20 hours toget out of the way of these storms. I had a perfect trip. Now back to reality.

Clear mind!

A star is born!

Today marks the day my second sin would have graduated. Instead he had a car ride through. I think the teachers for coming out, but it is not the same, not seeing him walk across the stage. No worries. He has beat the odds. He comes from a broken family. His father burned him when he was 9. He never really got over that. He pushed and pushed on. He made it through all the challenges he should have never had to face. He even stepped up to the plate when I was diagnosed with M.S.. He was there when I lost site, could not walk, all the emotional up and downs. Inspite of, my son has become or is becoming the man he needs to be. I’m proud to know that he is a certified welder. He is going on to California Baptist College to become a pilot. Im am forever grateful.

Claude Mineret Warren

By chance!

There was once a time that I did not know about a sunset. Night just turned to night. I was struck by cupid. Fell in love at first site. I was introduced to the beautiful sunset. We sat on a beach and watched it set. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Every since I had that experience I think of my love when the sunsets.

It is said that when your born. You will meet your life partner and not even know it. Who knows if that’s true. All I know is that when you do find the other half of your heart. You know it instantly. What they don’t tell you is that, no matter how hard you try or how patient you are, love can only happen on a two way street. I shed a tear on that one. I am happy to have had a taste of this kind of love. I wish I could have had more.

God knows what you need. He places it in front of you and expects you to grab it as needed. The thing that humans do not do is grab it and hold on to it. I let mine go because I was to afraid to fight harder for what I wanted. What you want is not always what you need.When you have been beat down. You can rise again and become better.

If I had press rewind and it was 10 years ago, I would say its not possible. I got out of my car. I walked towards the store. My heart started to beat face. I can’t breath. Why is the question. In the flesh is the love that makes me weak. I quickly turn to run away. The same moment I say, why not. I go into the store anyway. We are now face to face. I can’t move, but than I do. My love turns, looks and walks away. It’s at this moment that reality sets in. It is not 10 years ago. My love is just that my love. It never really was. I did feel like a child getting a new puppy. But it was all for not. Unless this was a mistake and not my love at all. It doesn’t matter. God puts what you need infront of you when you need it. I needed my love ten years ago to regain myself,to spark my creative side. Today I needed it to remember not to go back to self loafing. Never have I been so wrapped up in someone that every moment involved trying to make them happy. Today every moment is trying to keep me happy!

Thank God for sunets!

Always something!

Well I’m trapped in the house. I mean I’m safe in my house. I’m sad that this is happening to the world. It is awful that all of the world is being affected.

My family is affected. My oldest son is in Japan. As a mother hen, I want to protect him. I know I raised him well and he is protecting those who cant. My second oldest son is a senior in highschool. His senior year is over and we dont know if they will have a ceremony. My oldest daughter had just run her best time and was going to state for track and field. My five year old was robbed of her first year in school. My husband is being stressed from driving our truck delivering these items people need. Even still I am grateful to say, we still have life. We are not sick and we are together.

Hoping that people put those phones down and slow down and love each other. Learn who you are and what’s important. Money is and ideal and it can be printed on anything if we all agree that it is money. Losing a love one can not be reprinted.

Love each other now and discover what family and friends are suppose to be.

Sunday love

Seating on the beach letting the wind blow in my face. Thinking how beautiful the natural world is. Realizing that everything in life is relative. People see it like they see it. I think how beautiful everything is and how great it would be if we had more love in the world. I always see the good in people when there is none. I wish I was a pessimist sometimes. I wish I could see things for what they actual are before I was in to deep. I’m in to deep. Two kids to deep! I cant breath to deep! Longing for those long conversations. Longing for that kiss. Longing for that special feeling. Realizing that it doesnt exist. Realizing people fake it. Realizing that people are just people. Realizing that this was over before it started. Realizing that your born alone and die alone. Realizing life is just a series of ups and downs. Realizing the merry go round does not stop. Realizing that I want off! Wanting, needing that sunday love.

Working through this Part 4

I spilled the beans. I told all. I did not feel better at all. I needed to know if she was ok. I knew where to go. But when I got to the page. I had a flash back. Just like it happens on movies. I opted to ask a mutual friend how she was doing. She said I think she is ok. She doesnt talk to me anymore. It’s been two months. I instantly felt this weight lift. I felt like what I was worring about was all for not. I’m glad I was able to say these things out loud(in word form). My spirit feels relieved. 2020 here I come!

Working though this part 3

I started the new job. It requires you todo a class before you can go on schedule. I wanted to be near the front because my mission was to be noticed so I could get promoted. I did get noticed and my journey begin.

The first day of the class I sat in the front. I looked up and across from me was this lady. She had hazel eyes. Fear set in. She looked at me and our eyes stopped as if they were locked. She smiled and she had the deepest dimples. She never said a word and neither did I. The next day the same thing happened. Now im feeling butterflies. I’m confused. I’m getting married in 60 days. I cant get her out of my mind. The first spoken word came at the time machine. We were clocking out. She walked over and asked a question I knew she knew the answer to. Her voice was like a thousand violins playing. She says with an accent. Here’s my number give me a call. I take the number. When she leaves I dropped it on the floor. The next day we had to practice take downs. She made sure that I was taking her down. When it was time I grabbed her and lightly placed her on the floor I didnt want to hurt her. Again this is confusing because, I do not know why I feel the way I do. As I grabbed her and pulled her close she said you feel the way you look strong. I think I fail hard that day. She was so smart and she made me feel good. I wanted to spend every moment with her. I didnt think of her as a girlfriend like we are a couple. She stimulated me and that was something I never felt before.

While I was swooning with her. He was developing a relationship with another women. I didnt care. I had found what I thought was just a friend. He started bringing the lady to my house and having her around my kids. I didnt care we were done. I was telling her about what was happening. It made us closer. In this situation he was wrong but so was I. She asked me to hang out. I agreed. So we went to a bar. On the way back to her place. She started rubbing my leg. I thought what are you doing. She showed those dipples and I melted. She took me to her place and well each touch felt like, something I never felt. The orgasm was so strong, I fell asleep. This is important because I was suppose to be home by now. I didnt have time to shower and I smelt like sex. He looked at me like I was the worst person on earth. He was right. I had stepped out. I was unfaithful. I had dirt on my hands. See that’s not the worst part. Now I had completely forgot about his wrong doing because I was now the one who was wrong.

I walked in the house with my head down. I had thought about what I was going to say. What lie I could tell. When he looked at me. He walked straight to me and said I missed you, are you safe. I was relieved he didnt ask any questions. He said I know why you did this. I said did what. He said cheated on me. It’s because I cheated on you. Then he said I’m pissed, because I ruined you. He said you were the only pure thing he knew. I’m looking at him like, did you just admit it. Then the fight begin. He said you are the worst ever. I said I was doing it to save us. I lied. I had an out but I didnt take it. Instead I did the worst thing I could have done. Bad decision. I told him I had to try it to see if I could do a threesome with him. Of course he fell for it.

Later that day I called her. She had been calling all day. I had to be attentive to him. I had hurt him. I called and I told her what happened. She asked why I told him that we were going to have a threesome. I told her I lied. She said she would do it, if it would put things back the way they were. Another Bad decision. I told him we were doing it. She came to the house that weekend. She walked through the door looking like a school girl. My soul was screaming, leave now. I was to much of a coward to tell them that I had changed my mind. He looked at me and I’m sure he could see that I did not want him to touch her. It made him want to do it even more. I laid her down and we begin. I’m touching her and he is touching me. He is loving every moment. I’m hating every moment. At last I couldn’t do it anymore. I removed myself. He got really aggressive with her. She reached for me and I held her hand. I was such a coward. I dont know how I could have asked her to do this. She was everything, she made me feel whole. I ruined our friendship in two nights.

He is asking when we will do it again. I secretly want to kill him. I say probably never. He ask could he pick the girl this time. I said

I would think about it. Problem is I’m not attracted to women. I never see myself doing this again. I want to tell him that even though she is a women, I am in love with her and I could never see myself with him after this. Or for that fact with anybody but her. I’m not sure even to this day what happened to me, but she took my whole heart. I would do anything for her.

Months passed. He kept asking about her. I would say, I havent seen her. The truth is I was with her every day. So I finally told him. I was leaving him. I needed to leave him and she needed a new start. We decided to move in together. Every piece of me knew this was a bad decision but I did it. We were good for awhile. He became to much. He cut tires, got me fired, stole my stuff. Kidnapped the kids. She could not handle it anymore. At least that is what I told myself. She needed her citizenship and we got it. I foolishly asked her to marry me. She agreed. But she was looking for something else.

She came home one day and accused me of cheating. I asked who I would cheat with. In hindsight I know she was the one cheating. She started fights and than she would leave and come back home late. I laughed because that’s what I use to do. She took off the lock and chain I bought her. I knew it was done. I couldn’t even be mad. Even though I had hurt him and he had hurt me. Karma had come to collect. I owed a large debt. I was prepared to pay it. The hazel eye people had finally caught me.

The most insane part is I knew all along I just went along with it because it gave me something I never had. I knew I had to let her go. She wasnt gay and neither was I. She was what I was missing and I was the same for her. I thank her for coming into my life. She gave me the courage to finally walk away from a bad relationship, even if it was the wrong way. She taught me how to eat a proper diet. She taught me about self care. She taught me that I was more than just a mom. I long for the conversations we use to have. When I say that I’m missing something it is what she brought to my life. I would love to still have her friendship. That is something that could never happen because once that forbidden line was crossed, you can never return.

I was doing really good had not talked or heard from her in 7 years. She reached out and everything I felt returned. I told her I am married now. She asked did I love him. I told her I do love him. I have learned to love him. It is not what I felt for her but it is what I need. The love I felt for her was deep and unexpected. It was that first sight, I didnt need sex, love. She said she never loved me. She said it was all a game. It really mess me up! I guess more so because I know she felt the same way. Although being a lesbian is accepted now. Her family would not understand. My family would not understand. Plus there is that thing about neither of us being attached to women. I cant explain it.

When I met my husband, I was still sad about losing her. He reminded me what it was to be a women. He loved me even though I had been a cheater. He loved my kids. He didnt ask me to be what I was not.

I was diagnosed with M.S. in 2013. I told him. He said I still want to marry you. I said I may get crazy. I may get really sick. He said I’m here. I love you and I’m going to be here till the end. I married him in 2013. It’s now 2020. I’m praying and meditating because we have a strong relationship. I dont want to lose him for something that was never real. I work on me daily. This was my attempt to confess out loud. This has been my alter.

She use to tell me to stop being the victim. She was right. I’m not the victim. They were my victims. I’m owning my wrongs. I’m asking for forgiveness and if it is not offered to me. I’m ok with that. Healing me!

Working through this Part 2

The first bad decision was not reporting him. I felt like if I was not drunk this would not have happened. I think some of it was my fault. I decided that he would be the father to all my kids even if I didnt like him. So from that came two boys and a girl. Bad decision. So we return state side. He becomes a different person. He cant find a job. I have two jobs. Becoming a mom made me different also. I no longer sat back waiting on things to happen. I now make things happen. It can be intimidating at times. I was not aware of it in the pass now I am. So long story short. When my little girl was born. I was selfishly satisfied. I no longer needed him. He was not helping any way. I found away for him to go away.

When my little girl was born. I lost the ability to walk and really bad headaches begin. I would learn later that it was M.S.. My mom came to live with me to help. I regained my strength to walk but the headaches continued. My mom tried to take over my house hold. So I needed to go. See that’s what I have done, if I dont like my situation, I push you away or I run away. So I moved to florida. I told myself I did it so my boys could be with there dad. The truth was I just didnt want to live with my sister and mom anymore. They came and they didnt want to leave. Bad decision.

We are now in florida. He puts us in an area where I dont have access to anybody. I was totally dependent on him. I hated life. I decided running away wasnt an option. I decided that I would make this work and I would stay until the kids graduated from school. He was happy his family had returned and for awhile it was ok. We moved into the city and the trouble started. He was seeing a girl. It didnt bother me, I did not want to have sex with him anyway. I took a job and that made him mad because that meant I was not dependent on him. The arguments started. We did get through them. We are at 7 years now. I told him I could not be with him for 10 years with no marriage. He proposed at 9 years. We start preparing for marriage, the dress the hall, the church and the ring. We decided we needed more money. I took another job. It required me to work at night. We agreed this was good for us.

Part 2